when anxiety gets applauded instead of healed
High-functioning anxiety is often promoted and praised in our society, not healed.
And that’s what makes it so hard to let go.
Several years ago, I shared on Instagram that I quit saying, “I have anxiety.” This post has, to date, been my most viral post on Instagram. And I think it's because many of us relate to the idea that anxiety (or our trauma/negative emotions/background/mistakes) can become a part of our identity… simply put: who I am.
Think about this language: I have anxiety.
It's something that I have. It's a part of me.
I want you to think about anxiety differently.
On the other hand, many of the people I meet with wouldn’t describe themselves as “anxious” at first. They shy away from the term altogther.
Why?
You see, these individuals are competent. Reliable. Productive. The ones people depend on. The ones who get things done. How can I be anxious, really?
Maybe this is you, too.
You’re praised for:
➜ Being proactive
➜ Staying ahead
➜ Anticipating problems
➜ Carrying the emotional load
➜ Never dropping the ball
➜ Pleasing everyone
➜ Achieving
➜ Succeeding
➜ Being on the go, go, go
What rarely gets named is that underneath this competence is often a nervous system stuck in constant fight-or-flight.
What Does My “Nervous System" Have To Do With It
Your nervous system is like your body’s alarm system. It helps keep you safe.
When something scary happens—like a loud noise, someone yelling, or almost falling—your alarm turns on. Your heart beats faster, your body feels alert, and you’re ready to run, fight, or freeze. That’s called fight or flight.
That’s a good thing when danger is real. But sometimes, the alarm gets stuck on.
When someone’s nervous system is stuck in fight or flight, it’s like their body thinks there’s danger all the time, even when they’re actually safe.
So their body might:
➜ Feel tense or tight
➜ Have a hard time relaxing
➜ Feel worried a lot
➜ Try really hard to be perfect or prepared
➜ Feel tired but unable to rest
Even when nothing bad is happening.
It’s like having a smoke alarm that keeps ringing… even though there’s no fire. The alarm is trying to help, but it doesn’t know it can turn off.
After years or decades of chronic stress or anxiety, the alarm is used to always being on. It must be trained to turn off.
The good news is: Your body isn’t broken. It just learned to stay extra alert.
What High-Functioning Anxiety Actually Looks Like
High-functioning anxiety isn’t always loud panic attacks or visible distress. It’s quieter, and often more socially rewarded.
It looks like:
➜ Always thinking three steps ahead
➜ Difficulty resting without guilt
➜ Feeling responsible for others’ emotions or outcomes
➜ Over-preparing “just in case”
➜ Being praised for calmness while internally feeling chaotic
➜ Productivity fueled by fear/security/achievement rather than alignment
Relationally, high-functioning anxiety can be reinforced constantly.
You’re told:
“I don’t know how you do it all.”
“We’d fall apart without you.”
“You’re so strong.”
“You’re the steady one.”
“You're so giving.”
So your nervous system learns something important (and dangerous):
Anxiety keeps me safe.
Anxiety keeps me valued.
Anxiety keeps me loved.
The Cycle That Keeps People Stuck
High-functioning anxiety creates a self-reinforcing loop:
Anxiety → Over-functioning → Praise → Relief → More Anxiety
Your nervous system never fully settles.
You never feel totally calm or at ease.
Your body never gets the signal that it’s safe to stop.
And stepping out of this pattern can feel terrifying, not because you don’t want healing, but because healing threatens the role you’ve learned to survive in.
The role of “The One Who Has It All Together.”
This is why so many high achievers feel trapped.
(Not by lack of insight or resources or therapy or encouraging posts on Instagram.)
But by identity, expectation, relationship patterns, and nervous system conditioning.
Healing vs. Staying Stuck
Healing anxiety doesn’t mean becoming careless, unmotivated, lazy, or disengaged.
It means:
➜ Learning to emotionally regulate
➜ Letting your worth exist apart from output or outcome
➜ Building emotional endurance instead of emotional overdrive
➜ Allowing rest
➜ Examining your past, your conditioning, your motivations
➜ Rewriting the belief that anxiety is what makes you successful
What I've learned from over a decade of counseling anxious achievers in my office:
Healing often feels unfamiliar (and uncomfortable) before it feels freeing.
Because your nervous system has to learn that safety doesn’t come from hypervigilance (and being always on)… it comes from presence, repair, groundedness, and regulation.
Why I’m Writing About This (And Why It Matters)
This is one of the core threads in my upcoming book—not just what anxiety looks like, but why it’s so hard to heal, especially in successful families, leadership roles, and achievement-driven cultures. And, of course, how we heal anxiety.
We don’t just pass down coping skills.
We pass down nervous systems.
And until we name what’s being rewarded by our anxiety, we’ll keep mistaking anxiety for excellence and anxiety for identity.
If this resonates, you’re not broken.
This week, as you move through your days, I invite you to gently notice:
Where (and in what ways) is my anxiety being praised?
What would it mean to feel safe (and enough) without over-functioning?
What part of me is tired of holding it all together?
More soon.
A Personal Ask
If any of my writing resonates with you… if you've been a beloved reader since 2021… I’d love for you to share my blog or newsletter with someone who might benefit.
This community grows best through trust, not algorithms.
One of my goals for 2026 is VISIBILITY.
I intend to share more help tools and reflections in my weekly newsletter and on my Blog in addition to LinkedIn, Instagram, and TikTok (yes, I'm making a comeback).
And one final insider note:
➜ My debut book is set to release April 21, 2026
(This is not a drill.)
➜ Pre-orders are now live on my website (I can't believe I'm typing that!)
➜ The cover and title will be revealed in January!
Thank you for being here, for reflecting deeply, and for growing gently… together.
I speak to leaders, parents, and (small and large) organizations about emotional endurance, work-life blend, high-functioning anxiety, and sustainable leadership.
If this reflection resonates with your team or community, you can learn more about bringing this work to your organization here:
Thanks for reading! Want more writings and resources?
Here are a few blog posts you might enjoy:
001. Read me if you want more vision casting tips and tools
002. Read me if you're struggling with anxiety
003. Pre-order my debut book now!
004. Join the weekly newsletter for resources, essays, and encouragement.
Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.
