If you’re reading this today while feeling on edge, wired, stressed out, or emotionally exhausted, this isn’t because you’re doing something wrong.

Please hear me out on this one.
Nothing is wrong with you.

One of the reasons that you may feel like something is wrong with you is because you’ve likely spent years being told that the solution to anxiety is to calm down.

To breathe deeper.
To think positively.
To become more grounded, more zen, more unbothered.
To set boundaries.

And when those things don’t work, the conclusion is frustrating and painful: I must be failing at this. I'm a mess. I'm broken.

But, what if calm was never the goal?

What if the real work of healing anxiety isn’t about eliminating panic or stress or tension, but about learning how to stay grounded when anxiety shows up?

I have a very high-achieving, successful friend who experiences panic attacks regularly, daily. He and his wife were at our house for dinner recently, and we started talking about his panic attacks. As you can imagine, they're exhausting. My friend kept saying things like, “Yeah, I know I'm a mess. I can't get past these. Even with years of therapy.”

For anxious achievers, anxiety (or panic) doesn’t usually look like falling apart. It looks like functioning through panic… despite of panic. Holding it together while your nervous system is running on overdrive. Being productive, capable, responsible, and deeply tired.

This is where regulation, not calm, becomes the missing piece.

Regulation is the nervous system’s ability to move through stress and return to a state of groundedness without getting stuck.

It doesn’t mean you never feel anxious.
It doesn’t mean you’re calm all the time.
It means you can feel activated without losing access to yourself.

Your nervous system is the communication network between your body and your brain. Its job is to constantly ask: Am I safe? Am I okay?

When the answer is no (or uncertain) it shifts into protection mode. Heart rate increases. Breathing changes. Thoughts speed up. Your body prepares to act.

This response is not a flaw. It’s a survival mechanism.

But when your nervous system has learned (often early and frequently) that safety is inconsistent, it may stay activated longer than necessary. Over time, this creates a baseline in your body of tension, urgency, and hypervigilance.

And no amount of “calming down” fixes a system that is just trying to protect you from harm.

Calm is a state.
Regulation is a capacity.

You can't think your way into calm when your body believes it’s under threat. This is why breathing exercises, affirmations, and insight often fail in moments of panic. They require access to a nervous system that is already regulated.

When you’re dysregulated, the body leads and the mind follows.

This is why so many of us feel frustrated by traditional therapy advice (or the advice of non-professionals on social media). You’re not resistant to healing. You're not messed up. You’re responding exactly as a nervous system trained for survival would.

Perhaps you are currently living in a constant state of dysregulation. If so, this is for you.

Dysregulation doesn’t always look dramatic. Often, it’s quiet and constant. Underneath the surface. Feeling on edge for no clear reason. Overthinking everything, even small decisions. A tight chest or shallow breathing you’ve learned to ignore. Irritability, snapping, or emotional numbness. Needing to stay busy to feel okay. Crashing emotionally once the day slows down. Panic that feels sudden but familiar.

This takes a toll… not just on your energy, but on your sense of safety in your own body and your own world.

Regulation then is not the absence of anxiety. It’s a different relationship with it. Noticing activation and dysregulation earlier. Being able to pause instead of push through panic. Feeling anxious without spiraling into self-criticism. Recovering more quickly after stress. Staying grounded (present) even while panicked. Choosing responses instead of reacting automatically. Feeling present in your body again.

Regulation allows you to remain connected—to yourself, to others, to the world around you, to your problems and solutions, and to the moment—even when things are hard.

This is what makes it possible to live a full life with anxiety, not in constant battle against it.

Many anxious achievers were praised for staying strong, responsible, and capable under pressure. Anxiety was rewarded. Dysregulation was normalized.

But over time, the cost becomes clear, especially in parenting, leadership, relationships, and your health.

Unregulated nervous systems don’t just affect us. They shape the emotional environments we create.

Healing anxiety isn’t just about personal relief. It’s about interrupting patterns. It’s about creating an emotionally healthier legacy—one where safety, repair, and regulation are modeled instead of suppressed.

If this resonates… if you’re tired of trying to be calmer when what you really need is to feel safer in your body, this work goes much deeper.

These themes, along with many others, are explored in my upcoming book on journeying with anxiety and creating an emotionally healthy legacy. It’s not a book about fixing yourself. It’s about understanding your anxiety, honoring where it came from, and learning how to regulate and live in a grounded way that actually lasts.

You don’t need to just become more zen.

You’re not broken. Your nervous system has just been working very hard, and it deserves care (and a new way forward).

I’ll be sharing more stories like this in the coming weeks as we get closer to my book launching on April 21.

My hope is that, piece by piece, you begin to recognize yourself in these pages, and feel less alone in the process.

I speak to leaders, parents, and (small and large) organizations about emotional endurance, work-life blend, high-functioning anxiety, and sustainable leadership.

If this reflection resonates with your team or community, you can learn more about bringing this work to your organization here:

BOOK ME TO SPEAK

Thanks for reading! Want more writings and resources?

Here are a few blog posts you might enjoy:

001. Read me if you want more vision casting tips and tools

002. Read me if you're struggling with anxiety

003. Pre-order my debut book now!

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Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.